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by: justme This life in Korea was something that was stolen from me. --------------------------------- This trip to Korea was to be so simple. I was to find the truth about my beginnings, discover the story that lay behind how I came to be and know who was responsible for my life with the circumstances that surrounded it. It was to entertain my thoughts about having a mother that didn’t know better, or couldn’t help what she did-so I could forgive and feel pity on those last precious moments we may have had together. I was suppose to find this “person” who exists only on papers in a file tucked away in a social service agency; filled with Korean volunteers who see thousands of hopefuls like me. It seemed too mechanical. They take my photo and hand me a gift all in the same movement but then tell me that nothing in my file will help me. Anger tells me that they keep parts of my file behind closed doors when they realize I’m coming. In the same breath, they utter, “Good luck” in their Korean accents and walk away. I smelled the land, the people and air. I tasted the people’s breath; I saw the world they lived in. I listened to my story in the land she walked. She left me abandoned on a highway, moments after birth, 2-3 hours north east of Seoul- in a city that is claimed to be a vacation spot for locals. Her hopes that an angel finds me and brings me home. I also hear Pyung Chang is near a beautiful mountain but also near the border of the North. Not many people live up there but somehow; this was my 2nd womb. I used to laugh at this story growing up. I never cared about it- the reality of these things. I only knew life here- in the States, learning to live like everyone else. I had everything I could want and more. I didn’t know what pain like that meant- I scoffed at the Korean Adoptee who had issues with finding their beginnings and these iconic “mothers” who could complete their broken life. I said, “Jesus and God could fix it all…” because that is what I was raised to believe and know. I am not saying this isn’t true; however, what people fail to teach you is that the road to feeling this peace and comfort is paved with human nature and humility. Finding God in this situation is just as hard as finding the birth mom. So, I lost myself in Korea somewhere- between Korean Soju, the food and women walking around in beautiful outfits. I lost my ability to remember who I was in America and decided to leave all it on my passport when I went to Korea. I think I did this on purpose so that I could tell myself that I at least lived somewhere in the truth of what I never knew. Maybe I did it to take revenge on something? Someone to blame? But it always comes back to self. I didn’t take pride in who I was raised to be already. This supposed American. A Christian wife and mother who had a lifetime of experiences to share and teach. Sure, I feel completely ashamed of this now- because of the repercussions it reaps but why was it just as equally important to want to feel like what it would have been JUST to be like one of them; without knowing what I’m “SUPPOSE” to do based on a life that was already made?  This life in Korea was something that was stolen from me. Something that I will never know- and even if I tried hard enough, I would risk loosing all that I have been given by a God who found me and had mercy on me and gave me everything and more then what that culture could provide. Or is that what I was made to believe to benefit another? Yet, I had to throw it all back in God’s face and ask this silly second best. After I get the milk and honey=America the land of privilege?  Did I have to work for all that I was given? No, hardly. It was handed to me on a silver platter- I was at the mercy of death, abandoned. With no one wanting me. And yet I was found a home and a very decent life to live…according to standards with in a culture that I didn’t choose. So then why does my heart yearn for something that may not have been the best for me? And how dare I even go there? So, I fight the urge to want to understand this part of me that is denied- this part of me that was abandoned because I rationalize it in my head over and over. I say, “Come on- you don’t REALLY need this. You never did so why now?” Oh..but how real it was to me when I was there. How in my face it was when I woke up, saw the people, and rode the subway and shared a meal. Was I just being immature? Was I being silly like all those other Korean adoptees that talk smack about having an identity crisis all their life? Was I just seeing things? I spent my whole life in the states, assimilating to what it meant to be a white, Christian American. With rewards as high as the sky—while building (unconsciously) a wall to protect me from this very thing. So, was it God who knew my most inner thoughts and said, “Daughter, you must work and live here- in America, all these years of your life so I can protect you from this one moment?” I have heard stories about how birth mothers come back and just wreak havoc on the adoptee. God may have had to protect me and keep me naive to these things – in doing so, he allowed me to become so entangled with every part of my being- physical, spiritual, emotional here- in the states, that when I return to Korea, I have no choice but to return back to the life he gave because I will be torn in half if I choose to stay and explore this forbidden right. So now, I see why I was brought here, to a little town of Holland, where I yet again condemned those ways that seemed so traditional and routine and so stable. It was exactly what I needed to cement me. Because I wonder just how free spirited I really am in the right environment. Like an alcoholic waiting to be discovered in their first sip, someone that is predisposed to a weakness inherent with in. What the heck would I do out there? What kind of life would I live? It is nothing compared to here. My drive would be completely different; my views would be tainted because I would fight the urge to be an independent woman as I’ve always infused it in my blood. Would I die for a change or to lead a change because I know no better and be like a fish out of water? Is that how those leaders in life who die for their causes feel everyday? A man stopped me in the subway station while I waited for some acquaintances. He asked me if I wanted to go to bible study- and whether I went to church there. I wasn’t sure if this was a pick up line or God’s way of reminding me who I was to be at all times. I laughed and said I am from the United States, I don’t go to church here and thank you for the offer but I would like to keep in touch. He seemed to misunderstand me, with his broken English and my non-existent Korean. I was about to go off and be a “part” of this culture for a minute when in reality I should have been more like the man witnessing to others. Korean men do not approach women very often so I took his email address and hoped to explain when I got home. I found out that he was part of a church that is all over and I gave him our church website address for future references. He said he was praying for me and I haven’t seen him on line since. In the quiet of my soul, God shared yet another paradox with me (as one man’s trash is another man’s treasure…and that which you search for is already found) “My daughter, you were abandoned at birth. You had no name. You, who survived off of borrowed identities, always dependent on those who should find you and manage to create you into what was needed at the time, will not be forgotten. For you have fulfilled many desires, some of broken dreams and even blessings that became miscarriages to those who continuously asked why. You, never knowing your past, or your future, but always able to trust with pure innocence; this makes you rare and a priceless gem. I, the Lord your God, who is of Heaven, found you first. I adopted you as my angel…I lent you to an earthly father who took you in and cared for you as an orphan. I told him to give you the name: Yoon, Chang-Ju, which means Shining-Jewel; all the while, praying that you will shine brightly for someone’s Kingdom. My daughter, owners always come back for their lost treasures; and this you are to me. You then, were bought with another price. To fulfill the white man’s prayer, and pacify a wife that could not carry seeds of their own. You borrowed the name Robyn. In America, you learned how to assimilate in this chapter of your life and with the new name; you carried the season of spring, new life and song to a barren woman. Even the Father of all lies came hunting for your worth. He proposed to unlock the mysteries of life, training you in deception. And yet, after all of this, you came back. Now, you stand before a Black man’s world, filled with poverty and racial tension. You gave your body to carry and birth three new generations of this line, filling it with all you are and yet you know nothing about who and from where you come. You are fragmented, your identity has been cast among the nations, tied to many lives that you know nothing about- a vessel to carry a blessing in disguise, a messenger with out shame and now you ask of me, to give what you yourself cannot give to your own offspring? My daughter, in my Kingdom, lie great treasures. Gold, Diamonds and shining Jewels. As all houses have working parts and purpose to it, these beautiful things were created specifically to adorn and magnify his majesty, the Lord most high! When people see you on this earth, a shining jewel dropped from my Kingdom, the contrast will be so wide, they will ask and you will point them back to their roots. Remember, your offspring are also mine; therefore, I have equipped you for that which you seek. The paradox of this quest-is that you already found ‘home’… you are just waiting to be put back in the owner’s hands… a jewel on the crown of his majesty” Robyn Afrik is a life long resident of Holland. Growing up, she attended Holland Christian High School, studied Social work and business as her undergraduate studies at Valparaiso University and Cornerstone University. She is in the process of attaining her MSW at Grand Valley State University and is a national certified Global Career Development facilitator endorsed by the National Career Development Association, the National Employment Counseling Association and the National Association of Workforce Development Professionals. Robyn is an active member on the LEDA board, is the treasurer on the executive board for 70 X 7 life recovery and serves on the board of Buen Pastor. Robyn has traveled and lived in Senegal, W. Africa, Seoul, Korea and enjoys speaking for diversity forums such as the Alliance for Cultural and Ethnic harmony and served as the 2007 keynote speaker for Calling all Colors. Currently she is raising a multi-cultural, multi-ethnic family in Holland, enjoys writing, challenging status quo and community collaboration. View the story online at: http://www.storiesaboutgod.org/index.php/stories/story_page/a-shining-jewel/

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